Tour de Wanker

And so the Tour de France is on TV again, and just like every other year when the Tour de France is on the city streets are suddenly full of armies of men riding to work all decked out in their spandex.

DUDE! YOU'RE NOT LANCE ARMSTONG! YOU'RE JUST RIDING TO WORK YOU BIG WANKER! NO ONE CARES IF YOU'RE 0.004 SECONDS QUICKER TO WORK JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE IN SPANDEX! (And put that cucumber back in your mum's fridge when you get home again!)

Federer Wears The Right Undies

Roger Federer wins his 15th Grand Slam title and 6th Wimbledon title making him the greatest tennis player of all time, but only because Rafael Nadal had to pull out from a severe case of arse chafing.

Seriously, when is Nadal going to realise that wearing a pair of undies that aren't riding up his arse after every point could go a long way towards avoiding injury! And when is he going to realise that the entire world is watching him every single time he sneaks his hand round the back to pull them out of his crack just before serving! You think no one can see that little hand movement you do before each point Rafa?! You may have been able to get away with it back in your local junior under 12's competition days back in Spain, but Wimbledon centre court with the entire worlds media zooming in, with super slo-mos and all, it it was only a matter of time before your arse gave out on you, and now you've only got yourself to blame.

So thanks to Roger and his boxers, he has now regained his number 1 ranking again.

The Democracy Dictatorship

Uncontrolled fuel prices, council rates on the rise, government levies being slapped on everything, it's all starting to get a bit out of control, and as Australians what can we do about it? Not a lot really, have a bit of a whinge and a complain and then take it in the rear.

But, that's democracy I guess, you take the good and the bad of living in a free country. Some countries don't have democracy, they live in countries where the government can do whatever the hell it wants and there is nothing that the people can say or do about it. At least here in Australia we have the freedom to whinge and complain about something we are not happy about before the government turns around and does whatever the hell it wants anyway.

Fear Everything!

I watched a television show the other night all about the period in history when everyone thought vampires were real and half of Europe lived in fear from them. It got me thinking about the human race, and I think I've worked something out about us all, we just want something to fear!

As humans we need to be fearing something, at all times. Whether it be vampires, terrorists, global warming, deadly viruses, nuclear destruction, god, my wife, we NEED fear! When one fear subsides, we create a new fear, just so long as there's at least ONE thing to fear at all times then we can live comfortably and avoid having to think about bigger things like that big empty void of nothingness that is the universe we exist in.

Now I'm scared too!

Eat Your Legumes, After You've Looked It Up In The Dictionary

The word "legume" keeps getting thrown around in diet talk lately. Everyone is telling us that legumes are good, we gotta eat more legumes, legumes are the way of the future, we should balance our legumes without our other daily dietry requirements.

Ok, fair enough, this is all well and good, I've only got one small question though...

WHAT THE FUCK IS A LEGUME??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm 35 years old and a reasonably educated man. Granted I did grow up in a relatively isolated town at the bottom of Australia, but I sure as hell had never heard of a bloody legume in my entire life until about 6 months ago when it suddenly became the most used word of the year! Now we're all talking about legumes like we're all legume experts or something, as if we knew all along...

"Oh... yeah, legumes, you've gotta eat them, didn't you know?"

"Yeah, of course I know, legumes, I eat them everyday, everyone knows! (Thinks: What the fuck is a legume????!!!!!!)"